


It was a Dark and Stormy Night. Suddenly a Jaffa Yelled "Kree!"

by mrv3000



Series: The Dark and Stormies [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-02-02
Updated: 2003-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrv3000/pseuds/mrv3000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A loving parody of all things Sam/Jack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It was a Dark and Stormy Night. Suddenly a Jaffa Yelled "Kree!"

**Author's Note:**

> Co-authored with josephides. This started as back and forth emails between the two of us and sort of got out of hand.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, and, having finishing his in depth conversation with Colonel O'Neill about the human's love for Major Carter, murmured his catchphrase, "Indeed." Then he left.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Jack moaned while banging his head on his desk, thinking about Sam. If he was honest, he really never thought about anything else.

Jonas sat in front of the TV, eating a banana and wearing an extremely tight black T-shirt, and intently studied the weather patterns over Montana. He didn't know why he was suddenly so interested in Montana of all places. Perhaps it was the way it sounded. 'Mon-tana'. Mmm. Sometimes he said it out loud when he was alone. He was alone a lot.

General Hammond, who, for some reason, was passing by Jonas' office on the way to Jack's, ignored Jonas and his disturbing banana, and hurried towards Jack O'Neill's office. He threw open the door. "Son, I thought you should know. I just got this letter from the President..."

Hurriedly, Jack stuffed his Gameboy into the top drawer of his desk and pretended he had actually been reading Major Carter's report, when in reality the allure of Super Mario Bros VII had simply been too much for his love-sick brain.

Hammond, ignoring Jack's disturbing Gameboy obsession, continued. "...it says 'Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter are hereby authorized to make hot monkey love on the briefing room table. Thanks, and keep up the good work. Your pal, W.'"

Jack, his gray hair sticking up all over the place in his characteristically boyish manner, pulled something out of the drawer. Both he and Hammond admired the antique, massive, diamond engagement ring.

"My mom gave this to me," Jack said soulfully. Suddenly he jumped up. "But first... the hot monkey love!"

Jack rushed into Sam's lab with a grin on his face and a massive bulge in his pocket. "The letter we've been waiting for has finally arrived!"

"Darling!" Sam threw her arms around him.

"But before we do anything Sammy, I first want to read you this." Jack pulled out a paper and cleared his throat. "For you, my love. The words to 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion."

"Every night in my dreams  
I see you. I feel you.  
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance  
And spaces between us  
You have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time  
And last for a lifetime  
And never go till we're one

Love was when I loved you  
One true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on

There is some love that will not  
go away

You're here, there's nothing I fear,  
And I know that my heart will go on  
We'll stay forever this way  
You are safe in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on."

Tears misted Sam's beautiful wide blue eyes and she swept a hand across them, sniffing delicately.

"Holy Hannah, Jack, that was so beautiful. More beautiful than my naquadah reactor, more beautiful than any number of my extremely complex mathematical astrophysics equations. And now... for the hot monkey love! Where do you want to start?"

"Well, the Prez requested the briefing room table."

"Great idea! Good old W." She grabbed his hand and pulled him from her lab. "Coincidentally, I'm wearing my skimpiest, sexiest matching underwear set today!"

"Holy buckets!"

Daniel, emerging from his office, blinking owlishly behind his glasses - for he was wearing his glasses today, despite the fact that he wasn't actually near sighted. "But Jack... my rocks!" he cried, holding said rocks with one hand.

"I thought they were artifacts, Danny." Jack said, repressing his urge to call the man four-eyes. After all, he was.

Daniel reached up to smack his forehead with his hand and missed - seeing as he wasn't really there. "Wait a minute - why should I care about any of this?" he asked before glowing away.

"So, on to the sex then?" Jack asked.

"Yes please," she answered, purring into his ear.

Suddenly, the bright light of an Asgard transport ray filled the hall, taking Jack with it.

"Son of a bitch!" Sam yelled.

Janet ran onto the scene, panting, out of breath. She'd been worried she wouldn't make it into the plot. Pulling a needle out of her pocket, she waved it in the air. "Napoleonic power monger right here! Anyone need sedation? Sam - what's wrong? Never mind, let's have a conversation about Cassie. After all, that's all we have in common beyond being the only two women of any importance on this base."

Sam, sexually frustrated (again), turned to her friend and sighed. "Let's go and get drunk in O'Malleys, Jan."

The petite doctor looked up and up at her friend. "But I thought you were banned from there?"

"Oh no. I hit on the manager and even he seemed to know about my Black Widow curse so he gave in and unbanned me."

"That's great." Pocketing the needle, Janet smiled placidly. "Oh... didn't I see you run past with Colonel O'Neill earlier?"

"Yeah. We were gonna have sex but the Asgard zapped him up."

"Shit. That really sucks."

"Yeah. It does. And Janet, you're swearing! You never swear!"

"It's after nine o'clock. I figured we could risk it. So... which T-shirt do you think Jonas looks best in? The black one or the desert one?"

Meanwhile high above Earth, Jack looked at Thor mournfully. If only he could make Thor understand why he needed to be sent back. NOW. But thousands of years without sex tended to make a man lose his drive. If in fact Thor was a man. He really found it hard to believe that anyone would ever name a woman Thor. Jack realized that he was simultaneously sad for both Thor's lack of action and his name. Poor Thor.

"Thor, buddy. I know that the Replicators have gotten loose. And I've got to say, it's really not my problem."

Thor blinked.

"You see, I was just about to have some hot monkey love with my 2IC on the briefing room table. And then propose to her. Probably in that order. You know, kind of test the waters before making any kind of commitment. After all, it's gotta be pretty good to put up with chick crap lying all over the house."

Thor blinked.

"Come on! If you don't hurry up, before you know it she'll be going out with Janet and talking about Jonas' tight shirts."

Before speaking, Thor blinked. "You speak of Jonas Quinn, the tight-shirted one. He is legend throughout the galaxy. Some call him 'The Slut of Kelowna', others 'He Who Struts His Stuff.' Frankly we were surprised when you let him join SG-1, O'Neill."

"I knew it!" Jack kicked the wall.

*

Back on Earth, Teal'c was roaming the hallways, studying the humans with his usual stoicness. Behind him, a trail of surprisingly skimpily clad Air Force nurses followed murmuring things to one another. The odd word would reach his ears - 'tall', 'dark', 'handsome', 'hung' 'donkey'. But he was too stoic and too warrior-like to let these things bother him.

He entered Jonas's quarters and found the man comparing the sizes of two T-shirts.

"Oh, hey, Teal'c. Tell me, which one is smaller?"

Teal'c, taking his sweet stoic time about it, studied the T-shirts stoically. "JonasQuinn..."

"Why do you say our names so quickly?"

"To show that I'm an alien, JonasQuinn. Otherwise I would be mistaken for a human."

"Teal'c, you have a huge gold emblem on your forehead - you know, the thing that reminds you time and time again of how far you've come. I think people know you're an alien."

"Indeed." He raised his eyebrows. Stoically. "But I find it is important to keep up a few traditions. O'Neill does not like change."

Jonas sighed and went back to his T-shirts. "So which do you think?"

"The one on the left."

"Good. Me too. Was there anything in particular you wanted?"

"I was looking for O'Neill but thought I might get our requisite alien-bonding scene out of the way in the meantime."

"Oh. Of course." Jonas suddenly wondered where he'd hidden that candy bar. He was hungry again. That banana hadn't done much for him. "Last thing I heard, he and Major Carter were off to make hot monkey love on the briefing room table."

"Indeed?" Teal'c raised an eyebrow. It would have been stoic but he was smiling ever so slightly. So slightly that it wasn't really a smile. Just a kinda quirk of the lips. "The briefing room table?"

"Yeah. I figured the Prez suggested it."

He inclined his head. "That is most likely, JonasQuinn. I shall go and try to interrupt them at an imprudent and frustrating moment."

Finding his candy bar, Jonas bit into it with relish. "Great idea, Teal'c."

Jonas followed his stoic alien friend down the hall wondering if the term "alien" was politically correct. Hmm. What about "friend?" He smacked his lips on his candy bar. Earth food was great!

Jonas puffed out his chest and winked at one of the nurses as she passed him. She giggled, blew him a kiss and joined the growing nurse herd behind the two men. Thank God (and a massive naquadria meltdown) he was on SG-1! Advisor to the High Minister? It was nothing compared to the action he was getting on SG-1!

Jonas stopped. Why was he going off to watch two of his teammates making hot monkey love? Screw that! "Teal'c?" said Jonas, missing his obvious mental pun.

Teal'c stopped and turned around stoically. "Yes, JonasQuinn?"

"I'll catch up with you later." Jonas turned and looked at the scantily clad flock of nurses, "Yes, that's a '1' on my patch and yes, I'm happy to see you!"

Teal'c stoically raised his eyebrow in the most stoic way he had ever done in his entire life before continuing down the hallway, very pleased that he had been given so many lines.

*

Over at O'Malleys, Sam and Janet were working on their 5th shot of tequila (and discussing their only common bond, Cassie) when suddenly the bright light of an Asgard transport ray filled the place.

"'Bout time!" Sam muttered.

"Sammy! Baby! I'm back!"

Both Sam and Janet stared at him drunkenly. Janet giggled and leaned over to her drinking buddy, "Sam, I must be hammered. That looks like a 14-year-old Jack O'Neill. Sucks to be you!"

"Son of a bitch! I am never getting any!" Sam yelled.

Suddenly, 14-year-old Jack was beamed away and real Jack returned in his place.

Thor beamed down with him. "I am sorry for the amazingly silly plot...I mean...thing I did. Can you blame me?! I haven't gotten any for over a thousand years!" Thor yelled, as much as an Asgard can yell, and beamed away.

"Darling," Jack grabbed Sam. "I don't want to wait any longer. I don't care what time it is. I don't care that you're hammered. Let's get married!"

"Okay!"

They sprinted to the church with Janet in tow.

"Wonder if Danny will be my Best Man?" Jack mused. After all, everyone knew that he and Daniel were best friends, and not even different plains of existence could change that.

*

Meanwhile back at the base, Jonas wandered down the hallway, minding his own business and singing while step dancing.

♫ "Tell 'em to shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!" ♫

Unfortunately, at that same moment, Daniel was glowing down the hallway from the opposite direction. They rounded the corner at the same time, collided and, in a freak of nature, stuck.

"Hey! Get out! This is my body!"

"I can't! Don't you think I would if I could?"

"Great! A geek hanging around is so going to cramp my style!"

Daniel pushed up the glasses in his mind trying to put the most positive spin he could on the situation. "Jonas, half the women on this base are rabid me fans. Imagine what we could do if we teamed up."

"Go on. I'm listening."

*

Back in the church, through the persuasive powers of a still-drunk Janet Fraiser who had not lost her Napoleonic Power Mongering touch (plus, she still had that needle), they had managed to get half the base to the church, find Sam a wedding dress, Jack a tux and get lots and lots of tiny little bridesmaids to wear pink.

Cassie, who was now probably between the ages of fifteen and twenty, was not impressed. Taking one look at Sam's huge voluminous cream skirts, she dived in.

Never to be seen again.

Jack, of course, couldn't be found. Sam kept peeking out of her dressing room to see if she could spot him but then realized he'd been disappearing a lot during the middle of the day recently. He'd go off for hours, in fact, with only brief glimpses or telephone calls to tell her that he was still alive.

She shrugged. No matter. She was sure he'd turn up for the sex... the vows! The vows, that's what she meant.

"Janet? Have you found Cassie yet?"

Janet, who was poking Sam's skirts with a a pokey thing, shook her head. "Nope. I'm afraid we've lost her, Sam."

Just then Janet's pokey thing hit something. "Oh wait, here she is."

Sam and Janet wrestled the girl/woman out of the dress and laid her on the floor, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Cassie? Honey? Speak to me!" Janet patted her face, somewhat confused. Should she sedate a person who was already sedate?

"Mom?"

"Yeah, I'm right here baby."

"I couldn't finish the harvest."

On the other side of the church, Jack finally ran into his dressing room, every so often taking a glance over his shoulder.

"Good. I don't think I was followed. This time," Jack muttered.

Jack turned to his Best Man suddenly feeling annoyed. His best friend could have mentioned the fact that he was now sharing a body with Jonas. That meant Jonas' body would be standing up with him during the ceremony, and Jack hated being upstaged. But what was worse was that Daniel and Jonas seemed to be happy as clams about the whole thing. And were even starting to make people call them DJ. Jack was beginning to get worried about his best friend status with Daniel.

"Hey! Get out of here!" Jack chased away a nurse trying to sneak into their dressing room.

He glanced at DJ, who was staring mournfully after the nurse. "Uh, Jack? Just how long is this all supposed to take?"

Suddenly, Jack heard the church doors bang open.

"COLONEL JACK O'NEILL!!"

Shit.

Dad.

*

Sam lifted her head from studying her cleavage. She could have sworn she'd heard...."Did you hear zat fire?" she asked Janet.

Janet, who was checking her daughter's lungs with her handy pocket-sized stethoscope, shrugged her shoulders. "Nope."

Sam pursed her lips and checked on Cassie. She was glad Cassie was okay. Without her, she and Janet wouldn't have anything in common and Sam didn't have any other female friends.

Cassie sat up, yawning groggily, and looked at her mother suspiciously. "Did you sedate me?"

Janet, her eyes twitching nervously from Sam to Cassie, struck an innocent expression. "Me? No! Why would I do that?" She cleared her throat. "You know. I oughta go check on the nurses. You know how rabid they get."

Sam sighed. "Yeah. Oh, and tell me how DJ is, will you?"

"Gorgeous... I mean, sure!" Janet beamed and pulled a protesting Cassie out of the room.

Sam frowned as she heard another suspiciously familiar noise. She could have sworn that was zat fire - but who on Earth would have a zat gun in the church? Teal'c had come unarmed and she knew Jack didn't really like using them in public - they had a depressing way of going flaccid when he least wanted them to.

She sighed. She'd really wanted to have sex at some point before they got married.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Jack dived through, skidding under her skirts and completely disappearing from site.

"Sammie? Have you seen Colonel O'Neill?"

Sam blinked at her father, who had his zat gun raised and a hand device all-a-glow on his free hand. Judging from the way his eyes were glowing and then not, she guessed Selmak was trying to take control and was failing miserably.

Ah, good old Carter temper.

"Uh..."

Now was the time to put into use her astrophysics brains!

She pointed to the closed window. "He went that a-way, Dad!"

Her father nodded fiercely and threw himself through the window.

"Thanks, hon," Jack said, his voice muffled in her skirts.

She patted her skirts, hoping she was making some kind of contact with him. "That's okay. We should probably get married before he gets back."

"Yeah. Uh, Sam?"

"Yes, sir?"

She felt him shiver. "Do you know... if there's a way out of here?"

"I don't know, babe," she answered, wishing that he wasn't quite so eager to be finding a way out. "But maybe Janet will be back soon with her pokey thing."

Jack wandered around for a good half hour. He still hadn't found the way out, but he had found an ankle, another layer of lace and, surprisingly enough, a cat. It meowed at him mournfully. "I hear you buddy," he muttered. Jack did finally make his way to a knee, which had been promising. Very promising. But somehow he made a wrong turn and found himself back at the ankle. And the cat.

Suddenly Teal'c burst through the door carrying a pickaxe and an oxygen mask. Sam blinked at him.

For no reason, Hammond wandered in behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Son, if you fail to dig your way to the surface, this will be a one-way trip."

"I understand GeneralHammond," Teal'c said stoically, pleased that he had been given yet another line, and dived into the dress.

*

Janet rounded the corner in search of her nurses and froze at the scene before her. "Oh, holy hell!"

DJ, his hand against the wall, had cornered one of the scantily clad (surprising since it was such a formal occasion) nurses who was giggling at him.

"Really, you're safe with me. I don't even like to kiss on the first date."

DJ's Daniel half snorted.

'Shut up,' the Jonas half mentally yelled. 'You're going to wreck it!' DJ continued. "Really. I'm a pussycat. If you'd like, I could get Sam to ask you out for me. But whatdaya say we bypass all that crap?"

That was pretty much all Janet could take, her finger instantly flying to her needle. In the way that had earned her the title of Napoleonic Power Monger, she glared at the nurse who scampered away.

"Don't you know you're mine?" Janet purred softly as she felt the deep satisfaction of her needle plunging into DJ's arm.

"Nobody ties down DJ! I'm the wind, baby!!" DJ yelled before passing out.

Having installed a now drooling DJ into a closet, Janet ran on precariously high heels straight to where Sam was preparing to walk down the aisle.

"Where have you been?" Sam hissed, just as a cat shot out from under her skirts.

"Never mind. Shall we go in?"

"Yeah. Janet, have you got your needle on you?"

"Uh... I just used the last on DJ. Why?"

Biting her full bottom lip, Sam looked around her. "Just.. my dad's acting a little odd. Keeps running around with a zat. I think he wants to kill Colonel O'Neill."

"Damn. That's just too bad."

The music started up and Janet hurried off.

The trip down the aisle was kinda boring because the aisle was really long. And people kept waving at her. People she didn't recognize but who had the SGC patches on their shoulders. The patches kinda looked like the things Sam and the rest of SG-1 wore on their shoulders, but instead of the all-important '1' there were other numbers. 8? 10? 16? Who were these people?

Oh, damn, there was McKay. And Simmons. Was that...? She turned her head to study the faces in the enormous crowd that had gathered on such short notice to see her marriage to Colonel O'Neill. That guy - she couldn't find his face now - kinda looked like Narim. Weird. Hold on, she would recognize those blue eyes... No, Martouf was dead.

Wasn't he?  
Finally, she reached the end of the aisle. Glancing back, she saw a couple of tabby cats lying prone on the mosaic tiling and she wondered, vaguely, where they had come from.

Oh, and Jack looked nice. Worried, but nice.

The clergyman began the ceremony.

Using the deep telepathic bond she and her Colonel had developed over the years as CO and 2IC, Sam began a conversation with him,

 _"What's up?"_ she asked. Mentally, that is.

 _"You seen DJ?"_

Worriedly, Sam turned to look at Janet. _"What did you do with DJ?_

Janet, who was not adept at deep telepathic bond communicating, misheard. _"Have we got the Bee-Gees?"_ she replied silently.

Sam rolled her eyes and turned back to her husband to be, shaking her head.

Jack rolled his eyes. _"For cryin' out loud!"_

She patted his ass affectionately. Smiling mischievously, a twinkle in her enormous sky-blue-aqua-deep-sea-pool-lake-water eyes, she murmured via their deep and meaningful telepathic link, _"Now shut up and pay attention."_

Then they both realized that the clergyman was looking at them expectantly.

"Oh - this it the vows, part, right?" Jack hurriedly pulled out a piece of crumpled paper from his pocket. It looked suspiciously like a paper napkin.

"I, Jack O'Neill, promise not to do any more aliens, unless of course I'm drugged, drunk or eat cake. But if I'm stuck on a planet for more than three months, all bets are off. My yo-yo is now your yo-yo, but I can't be held responsible if someone just goes ahead and grabs it."

A single tear ran down Sam's face. Holy shit that was beautiful! He always knew just the right thing to say. "Right back at ya, babe," she whispered. And almost as an afterthought she added, "Sir."

Sir. That word made Jack's whole body tingle. He really hated it when she called him Jack.

"I, Samantha Allannah Marie Katherine Petra Carter, do take you, Jack O'Neill, so long as he can accept that my plants, Bob, Ray and Magda, require at least fifteen minutes of my conversation per day, that I regularly receive long streams of overly attractive alien admirers throughout my work. But I promise that there'll be no more inappropriate kissing in the conveniently empty control room and I'll let some aliens dress me up in more skimpy blue dresses once in a while."

Jack wiped a tear away from his eye. "I love you, Sam," he whispered passionately.

"I love you too, Jack."

"I love you more."

"No, I do."

"No, really, I do."

"No, me."

"Me."

"Really, me."

The clergyman cleared his throat. "Do you have the rings?"

Sam looked beyond Jack. Oh yeah. No DJ. Shit.

Janet put up her hand tentatively to draw attention to herself since she was really so small. Tiny, really. "I'll just...go and get him. Back in a moment. Teal'c, ah, tell the guests your Jaffa joke."

Teal'c, very pleased in an extremely stoic kind of way, stepped forward and cleared his throat. "A serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard..."

"Heard it!" the entire crowd yelled in unison.

Teal'c rose an eyebrow. "Then perhaps another. What number of Setesh guards would be required to lay siege to a heavily fortified stronghold in the Anquadrian system?

Teal'c waited the appropriate amount of time given the type of joke, the time of day, and the current planet he was on.

"None." Teal'c grinned a large Jaffa grin.

Silence descended on the room, broken only by the sound of a lone, coughing cat.

Bored out of his mind, Jack felt his attention start to wander. ♫ _"...and tell me that you love me."_ ♫

Sam instantly picked up on his telepathic crooning. _"I thought I told you to never sing that to me again!"_ She glared at him in her own special way. A way that was glaring but yet conveyed to him the deep depths of her love and desire for him.

 _"Can I sing another Python song?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Simpsons?"_

 _"NO!"_

Sam glanced at the crowd that had come for the wedding, but realized she no longer cared about them in any small way. They were doing just fine with Teal'c. Plus they should be happy for the mere fact that they were in the presence of so many members of SG-1. Instead she turned her attention back on having a silent chat with her CO...husband!! That's what she meant! Husband! Almost.

 _"So where are we going on our honeymoon?"_

 _"Dunno. How about my cabin?"_

 _"Boring! Oh...crap! Fishing!"_

 _"What about it?"_

 _"Well, we need to get one thing straight. I'll fish with you, but I'm not going to fish with you."_

 _"I don't understand."_

 _"I mean, I'll fish,"_ she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and grinned, _"but I won't fish,"_ she frowned deeply and shook her head.

 _"Still not following."_

Just about the time Sam was getting ready to go find a donut, and maybe a banana, Janet kicked open the church doors, having slung DJ over her shoulder. His eyes darted around frantically as he tried to wriggle free of his plastic cuffs, unable to cry for help because of the duct tape over his mouth.

 _"Holy cow, she's strong!"_ Jack mentally projected. _"And scary!"_

 _"No shit. Why do you think I keep going out with her? To talk about Cassie?"_

"Everyone," Janet bellowed as she set DJ down at the front and tossed Jack the ring box. "I'm happy to announce that DJ just asked me to marry him and you're all invited to the wedding next week."

Everyone looked at DJ.

"Mwah? Mwa-uh! Mwah mwa mwuck?!!"

"Hey, that's great, DJ!" Jack reached out to shake his hand until he realized DJ's arms were still tied behind his back for some unknown reason. Instead he grabbed his shoulder in a very manly fashion. "Now we can double date. Constantly."

DJ stared back at him, scared shitless. For the first time Daniel tried in earnest to break free of his DJ bond.

"Right," said the clergyman. "Can we continue?"

Sam turned back to the one true love of her life, eager to finally get the ceremony over...enjoy this special time in her life, when she started to hear the melody of a Simon & Garfunkle song wafting in her head. Softly at first, then growing as it hit the refrain.

 _"I thought I told you to stop singing!"_

 _"It isn't me."_

Suddenly a sound from the back of the church completely drowned out the plaintive 60's folk tune.

"SAMANTHA!!"

Gasping in horror, Sam turned back to the clergman. That voice had sounded suspiciously... no. No, it couldn't be.

"SAMMIE!"

Okay, so it wasn't a dead guy. It was her dad.

Which was worse.

 _"Can we hurry it along please?"_

The clergyman frowned at her in confusion. _"How long is a furlong, keys?"_

"Sorry. I mean, can we hurry it along?" She noticed that Jack had started fidgeting. From out of nowhere he'd pulled an elastic band and was twiddling it between his fingers nervously.

"Of course. The rings, please?"

"No. I mean, really fast. As in... finish up right now," Sam said, flicking her eyes behind to the doors, just waiting for her father to burst through.

"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may...." The clergyman trailed off as Jack grabbed Sam and planted a decidedly unromantic kiss on her mouth.

"Later, babe," he said gruffly, before running away as fast as his legs could carry him.

Sam sighed but was soon distracted by movement in her skirts. She looked down and watched a somewhat starved looking cat crawl out and then fall, panting with exertion, on the ground.

Weird, she thought.

But before Jack could get out of the room, Jacob burst through the door and raised his zat. He aimed and fired three shots in rapid succession. Unfortunately for Martouf, the man (not dead after all) had just wandered out from his seat, very confused as to what the whole "wedding" ceremony was supposed to represent. He had assumed it was some type of Earth military thing. In any case, he was very excited about reuniting with Samantha at long last.

The zat fire predictably hit Martouf, dissolving him into a puff of energy-type smoke.

Sam shrugged. More booze for everyone else. "Okay, on to the reception!" Sam lifted up her skirt, stepped over the wheezing cat and marched towards the door. Where the hell had the Colonel...Jack!!! Dammit!!! Jack!!!...gotten to?

Sam practically sprinted to the reception hall, but as she passed a door, a hand roughly grabbed her and pulled her in.

"Hey babe!" Jack kissed her in a way that made up for the one at the alter.

"What are we doing in here?" Sam asked, removing a broom handle from her back.

"We're, um, laying low. Um, yeah."

"Whatever you say, Sir."

Sir. Jack shivered. Any remaining restraint he had at the moment dissolved with that word.

*

Janet poked at DJ with her pokey thing that she hadn't thought to get rid of. "Keep moving."

"Thanks for taking off the tape, Janet. But, couldn't you unbind my hands too? I won't go anywhere. Really," DJ said as he winked at a passing nurse.

"Yeah, right!" Janet snorted. She stopped. "DJ? Do you hear...singing? It kind of sounds like..." Janet cocked her head, "...sounds like 'oh sweet mystery of life at last I've found you.'"

DJ got a dreamy look in his eyes. "Yeah, sounds great!"

Janet shook her head and started poking at DJ again. "Move!"

After quite some time, Jack and Sam wandered into the reception hall, Sam's hair finally just as mussed as her husband's. They stared wide-eyed at the scene before them.

What. The. Hell.

Apparently pink was Janet's favorite color. And it wasn't so much the thousands of heart-shaped balloons, or the hundreds of silver foil bells, or the '80s cover band, or even the live swans wandering around, it was the enormous ice sculpture of a huge heart with "SG-1" carved into the middle.

"So, booze?" Jack asked as he brushed off some broom bristles from his bride's back.

"I don't know." For some strange reason Sam was beginning to think that having a drink might not be a good idea.

The reception progressed drunkenly. Sam, caught up in being congratulated, felt up and embraced by complete strangers, kind of lost contact with Jack. Every so often, she'd see what she thought was a Jack-shaped blur race past her, a flash of blue light streaking after him, swiftly followed by her father, but she was feeling too relaxed and pleased with herself to be bothered anymore.

She and Janet watched with appalled fascination as DJ, his hands still tied, still managed to hit on several of the female guests, and even one male (apparently Jonas was 'curious').

"I thought you were getting married," Sam whispered.

"Oh we are." Janet folded her arms across her chest and smiled evilly. It was a very similar smile to her normal one. "I'm planning my punishment as we speak."

Sam blinked. "Oh boy," she said, deciding it would be best to go and find her husband. She was feeling a little queasy; she didn't know why.

Then suddenly, without warning, notice, neon signs or any other signally equipment, the world went black.

The next thing she knew, she was lying on the floor staring up at a crowd of faces. "Jack?" she murmured.

"I'm here, babe," he said, crouching down beside of her.

"Dad?" she whispered, weakly.

Her father crouched down on the other side of her.

She took both their hands. "You're the two most important men in my life," she said emotionally, her eyes tearing up. "Please, for my sake, could you, Dad, try not to kill my husband and, Jack, Dad really, really wants to go fishing."

"Fishing?" Jack queried, still a little confused about their earlier 'fishing' conversation.

"No! Not fishing! I mean... fishing... with the fish."

"Or not," Teal'c said - his voice was warm with the thrill that he had got a really good punchline in.

"Okay, Sammie," Dad said, his brown eyes glistening with unshed tears.

He and Jack helped Sam up and then they regarded one another.

"If you ever hurt my little girl, Jack, I swear to God there aren't enough Lairas in the world to make you suffer."

Jack swallowed. "I'll do my best, Jacob. And...sir...I would be honoured if you'd come fishing with me. One day. After our honeymoon."

 _"Where there will be no fishing!"_ Jack added triumphantly, for Sam's benefit.

Sam smiled benevolently. It seemed Jack had finally got the difference. Thank God.

"Son," Jacob said.

"Dad!"

They embraced.

Around then, all the guests at the reception broke out into a round of spontaneous applause and everyone began hugging one another.

DJ... well, he tried to hug himself. But his hands were still tied.

Janet looked around at all the hugging people, somewhat hurt that no one wanted to hug her. Not even DJ. Not that he could have hugged. But he was bumping into people, mainly women...and that one guy.

No matter. She was used to clinical detachment...except when it came to SG-1, of course. She smiled knowing that soon she would marry into SG-1, and that was just about as good as being SG-1. Janet focused her attention on her soon-to-be teammate-in-law...uh...Sam. She had a suspicion. An "I'm SG-1's doctor and therefore all-knowing" kind of suspicion. Her eyes narrowed.

Jack let go of Jacob, not exactly sure how he felt about hugging another man for that long. He quickly reached for Sam's hand. But was intercepted by Janet.

"Don't you think you've done enough already?" Janet glared at him.

Jack, who still felt the need to grab a woman's hand, any woman's hand, made the mistake of grabbing Janet's.

The first thing Jack saw when he woke up was DJ out on the dance floor "shaking his groove thang." Jack shuddered as DJ moved in ways he really, really didn't want to even think about. Jack shifted his head. Sam was gone, but Jacob was near. Well, suppose he should go bond, he thought as he stood up.

Funny how no one had bothered to move him from off the floor.

As Jack walked over to Jacob, he pondered DJ. Was he really one person now? Or still two? Were Daniel and Jonas best friends? Where did that leave him? Would they get double pay? Where would they all go on their first double date? Who would pick up the tab?

Jacob looked over at Jack, fingered his zat slightly and sighed. "So, Jack, have you done a lot of fishing since joining SG-1?"

Jack stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights. "Who said that?! I swear it was only ever in self-defense!" he yelled before remembering the difference. He frowned. Sam wouldn't be pleased with his relapse.

Meanwhile, Janet was doing a bit of frowning herself. Sam had willingly given her a sample - after so many years together, Sam thought nothing of it when Janet had pulled her into the bathroom and told her to pee into a cup. But the test result was somewhat confusing, in a predictable kind of way. Just to be sure, Janet was going to re-run the test a few times.

*

Sam was trying her best to ignore it. She really was. It was her wedding day, the best day of her life. Her shoes were only pinching slightly and she had a feeling she'd pulled her underwear on the wrong way after her, er, encounter with Jack in the closet, but that was the least of her worries.

She tried to ignore it.

Really... really....

Oh, screw it.

It was her party and she was gonna get someone to make her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with anchovies and that was the end of it.

She grabbed DJ as he walked past. He was still glowing slightly, she noticed, and his eyes were a weird mixture of blue and brown and, if you looked at him sideways he looked just like Daniel, whereas from the front he was definitely Jonas.

"Sam! You look beautiful," DJ said before she could demand her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He leaned forward closely and planted a kiss on her cheek.

Someone cleared their throat behind her and she turned to see Jack, one eyebrow raised in question.

DJ grinned charmingly and a whole flock of even more scantily clad nurses fainted.

Jack didn't seem to be impressed. She patted his arm consolingly. Then went in search of her sandwich.

After a few threats, Sam finally convinced the kitchen staff to make her a PB&J&A sandwich. The chef barely had a chance to yank his hand away before she bit down.

"Sam! I've got the best news ever!" Janet yelled, pushing DJ into the kitchen in front of her.

Sam put down her PB&J&A sandwich. "What?"

"You're pregnant! With triplets!"

Sam got down on her knees and gave her best friend a hug. "I should have known," Sam said with a glow. One that was almost, but not quite as bright as DJ's.

Janet briefly scratched her head at the timing of the whole thing. "This has got to be some kind of record."

"Yeah, well, Colonel O'Neill's an exceptional guy. Very exceptional," Sam explained.

Janet accepted her answer, nodding her head. "Oh, Sam! Now we can go shopping for baby stuff."

"Actually, Jan," Sam blushed, "I already have most of the baby stuff I need."

"Huh?"

"Well, given the fact that the Colonel is extremely exceptional, and the fact that it was only a matter of time before we did it, even just once, I thought it best to stock up in advance. I like to be organized."

"Good idea." Janet turned around and glared at the banging sound, which happened to be DJ hitting his head repeatedly against the counter. "Do you mind? We're having a girl moment here!"

"Do I really have to be here for this? I'm not a girl! This is all boring chick crap!"

"Fine. You know, DJ. You've been pretty good for the last fifteen minutes." Janet reached over and cut off his plastic cuffs.

"Hey, thanks Ja..."

And snapped on a collar equipped with a leash.

DJ raised his eyebrows, looking at the leash with interest, then grinned. "You know, Jan, maybe I haven't been giving 'us' enough of a chance," he said as he winked at her.

Sam smiled as she watched her best "couple" friends head for the exit, wondering where they should all go on their first double date. Wait...if Janet knew she was having triplets, surely she must know what sex the babies were.

"Hey Janet, what am I having?"

"One of each," Janet yelled before she disappeared, yanking DJ's leash.

Sam took a moment for herself, sniffling mightily. Everything was so perfect. The whole thing couldn't have been any better even if she had written it...planned! Planned it herself. And she knew, absolutely positively knew, her labor would be short and painless, although perhaps dramatic, and her body would go back to exactly the way it was before, after giving birth. "Thank you," she whispered to no one in particular.

She walked out of the kitchen, drawing her sleeve across her nose. With a small PB&J&A burp she walked towards her CO.

Jack looked up from throwing back shots with Dad. Hey, Carter was back. Cool. Although she looked kind of snotty. Gross. And she was standing somewhat oddly in front of him. Standing in a vaguely familiar way. He knew it meant something...but what? Hmm...a woman that he had just, um, done the nasty with, standing in front of him, with her hands on her stomach. He knew he had seen that somewhere before, but for the life of him he couldn't place it. Dammit! That was really going to bug the crap out of him. He racked his brain but kept coming up blank.

 _"What's up? You got gas?"_


End file.
